I talk about inappropriate stuff. Youll feel a little dirty but youll like it
I talk about inappropriate stuff. Youll feel a little dirty but youll like it
come laugh at me
just a little ditty about my daily interactions with the world
So since I've started doing stand up I haven't really had time to blog being as I have two jobs and a seven year old on top of the comedy, but I really like this shit, so for now until I get better at writing on a consistent basis I'm just gonna post the videos of my performances. Hopefully you'll find them to be entertaining. I promise I'ma get back to this shit on a more regular basis soon.
first time on stage....i was a nervous wreck son
My second time on stage....i think it went a'ight
Everyday I pick my little girl up from school around 3:30-3:45 and today was no different. I get to the school and pull up to the front and a teacher opens my door (a hot ass teacher by the way....probably gonna get in trouble for that but I already wrote it so whadayagonna do.. *shrug*) and my little princess hops in the car...I'm tellin you on some straight baller type shit son. It's like a little baller ass club with valet parking.
Anyway, she gets in today and straps herself in and tells me about her day as we drive like 6 blocks home.....
Me: Hey punkin how was your day?
Punkin: It was good
Me: Awesome...what new thing did you learn today?
Punkin: We looked at some animal bones today!
Me: That's pretty neat. What kind of animal did the bones come from?
Punkin: Guess...it starts wit a C
Hey guys! Today was a special day for me because I ran into one of the most interesting men in american movie history.....Karl Childers!!! You all may remember him as the lovable, Kaiser blade slinging head basher from Sling Blade. Karl was kind enough to sit down with me few minutes and talk candidly about his life since he plum near cut Doyle's head in two....when I see him he is carrying a butter knife....
Papatigga: (pointing at the knife in his hand) What cha doin with that knife Karl? you don't "Aims ta kill me wit it" do you? (I laugh at my own wit)
Karl: Naw sir...I reckon I ain't got no reason ta kill ewe...(I know)
Papatigga: That was just a little joke Karl
Karl: I reckoned it were. mm I thought it was right funny mm hmm
Karl: Not funny "ha ha" funny queer
Papatigga: Thanks Karl I appreciate it! I think I'm pretty awesome too. So how ya been since that whole........ awkward.......murder.........thing??
Karl: I been a'ight I reckon. They finally turnt me a loose fro
Being the person that I am though, there are several things about the movie that are a little confusing to me. Maybe not confusing, but a bit off putting, for lack of a better word. I'm only gonna talk about one of them right now because I'm lazy and I know I'll need a topic to write about in the future, so I gotta save some. Today I wanna talk about the fact that a grown man wanted to "borrow" a child for a week and that the orphanage was totally fine with it.
So I'm on Facebook just a couple minutes ago and I see a post by a friend with a picture of a little boy hooked up to a ventilator and tubes and shit everywhere and at the bottom it says "If this picture gets X amount of shares little "Billy" (not the actual name but you get the point) will get the heart transplant that he desperately needs to save his life....Word? People actually believe that shit?
So you mean to tell me that some doctor is like "I'll save little Billy's life... but I have to make sure he is popular enough first. I can't be wasting my
It didn't really seem to bother her too much, which is awesome that she doesn't let shit like that get to her because she is a very sweet loving little girl and I hate to see her sad...though I do worry about her when she gets a little older. Sweet kids have a rough time in Jr high. Kids are fucking mean, and I went through a very awkward stage that I pray to God my baby doesn't go through, but I think shell be ok.....
Anyway...I'm tryin to put these little slut suits on theses tiny ass bitches and I'm wondering, why the hell are all their clothes made our of rubber? Who wears a rubber halter top....yep a whore...even more evidence. So I'm sitting on the floor trying my damndest to get these little skeezers dressed and when I finally get done I go to tell my daughter I'm done and shes no where to be found. I go into my bedroom and there she is playing her DS. I tell her that all the whores have now been dressed and are ready for their johns and she tells me that she doesn't wanna play Polly Pocket anymore..........what? So let me get this right...I just sat on the floor in your bedroom handling these disease infested little scamps..proly getting my hands all herpe'd up...and now you don't wanna play polly pocket anymore?
I'm talking to my wife....who is a teacher...... and we are doin math. We both suck at math. I, for some reason, cannot for the life of me remember my 7's while doing the multiplication table and we start talking about little stories about how to remember them. I have heard little rhymes and acronyms but this is the strangest pneumonic device ever. Like it was still a story.... but shit like "7 and 7 are twins 49."
Me: Come again?
Wife: 7 and 7 are twins...49.
If you are a reader of my blog you know that I like to tell you all about the weird shit I do on a daily basis. Today I'm gonna tell you about the shit I do that is weird, but there is not enough shit to talk about for each to have it's own entry. I will present these to you in list form. I know that this is the easy way out...but I'm lazy so suck it. I shall double space them so that it appears as if I worked on this way harder than I actually did.
Man, I swear it takes me longer and longer to post on here, but I'm still tryin to hang in there! It's really a crazy time in my life, but stay with me cause I'm not done sayin dumb shit! I have really been tryin to focus my writing on shit for the stage, so PROFUC has taken the brunt of my neglect and for that I apologize.
I've been doin some pretty cool shit with some pretty cool people though and Ima tell you all about it...just not today.
What I am doing today is posting my latest attempt at tellin some jokes in front of some folks, and I hope you enjoy. I'm gonna post some videos of a couple of other funny guys/gals this week as well. Feel free to tell me how awesome I am in the comment section Blogger so graciously provided below........
So.....without out further ado.....me..
I don't have a ton of time but I've been meaning to get this up here for a few days but im balls deep in some bullshit so this is all the buildup you get!
Here is my stand up debut....Just know before you watch it I was nervous as shit!!! That sweat is real son! let me know what you thnk guys! most of you have seen it already I know...fuck it watch it again! stroke my ego!!!
I love you guys for all your support too! I promise I'ma get back to blogging soon!!!
Till then I present....Me being aw
Also, I didn't realize monsters also got circumcised, I'd hate to be the Doc slicin foreskin for those beasts. Can't be a pleasant job. I guess it's a necessity though, since the ladies don't really care for an uncircumcised penis on a human guy, I imagine it's a little harder to accept on a monster. Monsters aren't very clean either, so I imagine it wouldn't smell very good. I'll bet they don't even give a courtesy scratch and sniff for the ladies either.
Holy shit! Whats up err'body......if anybody is still out there! Did y'all miss me? Did y'all even know I was gone?
It has been forever since I've been on here, my bad. I just been hella busy tryin to get this clusterfuck of a life a little less clusterfucked and a little more normal fucked while not getting fucked at all in the process.
So I've been wanting to do this stand-up thing for a while now and I've been too much of a pussy but I'm getting on stage this Tuesday to knock this shit out and I am scared as fuck. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be terrible, but fuck it I'm ready for it. I'll handle it like I do every other disappointment...by masturbating excessively and crying myself to sleep for 6 to 8 months.
So my plan to watch Zooey all weekend was thwarted by several things. A tigers game, a trip to the park, and the fact that Netflix is trying its best to keep me away from my new found object of obsession by not having any of her movies available to watch instantly...bastards. I did, however, watch the three episodes of New Girl that are on Hulu about 15 times a piece and I watched her 20 minute long rendition of the National Anthem, which a lot of my friends bitched about but I thought was awesome. I didn't really hear anything because I was fixated on the skirt she was wearing but still.
I'm not gonna get to deep into the things I'd like to do to Zooey because my wife is not to fond of my new crush...though if Vin Diesel were to walk in our
Man the last few weeks have been rough! Its all good though. I'm gonna try to get back in the groove, though I did have to pick up a second job so my time is gonna be severely limited. A lot has been goin on lately but oddly I really have nothing to say so I will just tell you about my morning.
I drive a Ford Explorer. I've had it for about 9 years and it is falling apart. The transmission is all jacked up so I cant put it in park. This