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Inspirational and Christian HUMOR -- Mammogram Appointment.
Rated • 3 reviews • humor • skywriting.net
Mammogram Appointment
I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So ... what are you here for?"
Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great ... now he has a name to match the idiot's face." I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do
is step into this room right heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip
on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ...
try drinking decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice ... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, ZAP!! Complete darkness!!
"What happened?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said as she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this thing, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights 'til the power comes back on. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout, "NO!", she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes ... yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care." Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps!
I laughed till I cried!
Thanks clayfeet for making me flood my keyboard!
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Photos by Jernej Trnkoczy - Photographer from Ljubljana -...
Rated • 1 review • photography • fotocommunity.com
Lonely
Foggy
Company
Dream
Great photography by Jernej Trnkoczy .
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Chuck Babbitt Wildlife Photography - Frosting Blog
Rated • 13 reviews • photography, wildlife • newsfrost.com
Gorgeous wildlife photography by Chuck Bsbbitt.
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Edgie - Edgie Member Profile on EyeFetch.com
Rated • 1 review • photography • eyefetch.com
Stumped
First Light of Day
Coming Out of My Shell
Sunrise
Lovely photography by Edgie
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Humour
Rated • 60 reviews • humor, satire • thealders.net
Engineering Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:
"Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup
company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now
you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room.There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him up here-NOW."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
Well, it made me laugh!!
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39 Awe-Inspiring Photographs by Philippe Sainte-Laudy |...
Rated • 30 reviews • photography • presidiacreative.com
Kiss & Fly
Black Light
The House on the Lake
Imagine...
Oh wow! These are fantastic images by Philippe Saint-Laudy.
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NewsBiscuit & News In Brief & Bank of England sells...
Rated • 1 review • uk, satire • newsbiscuit.com
Bank of England sells unwanted gold reserves after
seeing daytime TV ad
The Bank of England has confirmed that they will be popping the entire nation's gold reserve into envelopes and sending it off to Cash4Gold in return for ready money, after the Governor, Mervyn King, saw an advertisement on daytime television.
Bank of England staff are working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably-sized jiffy bags. 'The job is a lot easier because Gordon managed to flog most of it off cheap when he was still here,; said one Bank of England worker. 'To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.'
Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has welcomed the Bank's decision. 'Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already in negotiations with the Queen who may have some unwanted orbs and sceptres which she isn't planning on leaving to her children, so we might as well make a bob or two out of them. Lovely jubbly.'
We have recently had these ads flooding our TV screens,
I suppose someone will be foolish enough to sell Great Aunt Annie's priceless heirloom for scrap!
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16 Cute Wood Sculptures by Yuri Firsanov | Pixzii
Rated • 17 reviews • arts • pixzii.com
FARRIER
POTTER
BATH
SPINNING WHEEL
Delightful wood carvings by Yuri Firsanov.
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BBC - Devon - The man they could hang
Rated • 1 review • uk, devon, history, witchcraft • bbc.co.uk
The man they could hang
A section of the 1610 court document detailing Richard Wilkyns' case
Poor old Richard Wilkyns, it seems he got the blame for everything.
Old court documents, stored away since 1610, show that Wilkyns, a labourer from Exeter, was the only man in Devon to be tried and hanged as a witch.
Wilkyns was found guilty of eight charges of witchcraft, killing two people, seriously harming three others, and killing a cow, gelding and 10 pigs.
He was hanged in Magdalen Street, Exeter, on 12 July 1610, according to the parish registers of St Sidwells.
The 399-year-old documents were found at the Devon Record Office by Professor Mark Stoyle while he was doing research about that era. The pages were all in Latin and written in a scrawl so took some translating - but here's an extract of the charge:
"...being moved and seduced by the instigation of the devil, wickedly and feloniously practice and exercise certain hateful arts and diabolic enchantments, called in English Witchcraftes & Sorcerye...did wickedly and feloniously kill and murder that Richard Seward..."
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Quite a discovery!
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Happy 40th birthday, the internet: 20 milestones in the...
Rated • 3 reviews • internet • telegraph.co.uk
Happy 40th birthday, the internet.
The first message was sent across Arpanet exactly 40 years ago, on 29 October 1969.
The birthday is one of many that could have been picked - the name "internet" is only 35 years old, for instance, while the first email was sent 45 years ago.
But Arpanet, the defence computer network that grew accidentally into the all-encompassing, era-defining, economy-changing, amusing-pictures-of-cats-facilitating behemoth that is today's internet, seems as good a place to start as any.
This is what started the whole thing off!
The Difference Engine, 1822
Charles Babbage, a splendidly eccentric 19th-century mathematician and inventor, is generally credited with designing the first programmable computer.
His Difference Engine was intended to carry out complicated equations mechanically, avoiding the need for error-prone human "computers". He proposed the design in 1822, but despite significant funding from the British Government, it was not completed until the London Science Museum made one to his specifications in 1991.
His assistant, Lord Byron's daughter Ada Lovelace, has been hailed as the first programmer. A gifted mathematician, she wrote the algorithms that would have been processed by the engine had it ever been made, and may have seen uses for the computer that Babbage never did.
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