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 Share This- Men Always Give Me Their Phone Numbers But I Don't Want to Call Them First...
 Jul 3, 2008 9:53am  (1 review) dating-tips http://www.advicefromasingledatingexpert...- I am noticing a trend in men who I write to or men who write to me online. They are leaving their phone numbers and when I respond with here's my number, "I'll be home Monday evening", they just email me back leaving their number again and say "call me".
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- Jul 3, 2008 9:47am (1 review) http://www.advicefromasingledatingexpert...
- Have you ever read this blog and considered giving me a call? If so, this is your lucky week. Thru the end of Friday, July 4th, I'm running a $500 OFF sale for private dating coaching clients. Why do this? Why now? Has all the wedding planning driven me batty? Sort of. But that's not my motivation. It's just [...]
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- Jun 17, 2008 4:33pm
- advicefromasingledatingexpert.com [advicefromasingledatingexpert.com]
Why Are So Many People Addicted To Online Dating?
Dear Evan,
Having the experience you do with online dating, I was wondering what you think about some of the psychology of online dating. Is there a phenomenon of addiction to it? I was wondering because it seems like so many people have profiles online either the same site or multiple sites for lengthy periods of time. I can search Match.com and then come back a year or two later and the same guys are still on the site and usually with the same picture. Also, I dated a guy for a time who almost seems to be addicted. What do you think?
Barb
Dear Barb,
There are two things going on in your question, and I want to address them separately:
First, let's dispel the notion that there's something wrong with someone who's a) on Match.com two years after he signed up, and b) signed up for multiple dating sites.
It's pure hypocrisy. The only way you'd know if the same guy was on Match.com two years later is if YOU were on the site two years later. The only way you'd know that he's also on eHarmony is if you're ALSO on eHarmony. Essentially, you're saying, "I'm not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I'm doing must be."
So to set the record straight: going on multiple dating sites means that you're looking to expand your options. Maybe your month ran out on JDate and you want to try SawYouAtSinai. Maybe the pickings were slim on Chemistry, so you branched out to PerfectMatch. Maybe you've been rejected by everyone on DateMyPet, so you decide to bark up a different tree like AnimalAttraction.
There is another myth in your question, Barb--the idea that someone who signed up on Match in January `06 and is still on in January `08 has been on for two consecutive years. Let's say he dated seven people in his first two months and then found a happy relationship that lasted for a year and a half. After a month of mourning and attempted make-up sex, he reposts his profile once again. All YOU can see is that the same face is still on there, two years later, when, in fact, this guy is the perfect example of an online dating success. He loved, he lost, and he came back for more.
Yeah, I'M that guy.
Naturally, I've long been an advocate for online dating, not because it's perfect, but because it ALWAYS created a love life for me. As a writer without a close-knit group of friends, who worked from home, and who bristled at the idea of picking up women at bars, this medium was a godsend. I had my first online girlfriend in 2000 for five months, fell in love in 2003 in a seven-month relationship, did it again in 2004 for four months, and had my last online girlfriend in 2006 for eight months. However, if you were watching my profile on JDate, you'd have assumed that I was online from 1998-2006 without any success.
In fact, in my dating heyday, I didn't just try JDate. I tried Match, Chemistry, eHarmony, Nerve, AmericanSingles, Matchmaker... I'm probably even forgetting one or two places. You date someone for a month, you go back on. Three months, you go back on. Sometimes, when you leave, you don't take your profile down--which leads you to be labeled an online dating addict by a woman who is on every single site herself.
And so it goes.
But you ARE onto something, Barb, which is that online dating CAN be addicting.
Just like alcohol can be used recreationally or abusively, so can Match.com. What's similar is that the users always think that they've got it under control, and that nobody's getting hurt in the process.
This is clearly not true.
There's a delusional aspect to successful online dating--one that I've embodied--one that I've seen in my clients as well. You sign up on eHarmony because you
- Jun 7, 2008 8:43pm
- From: advicefromasingledatingexpert.com [advicefromasingledatingexpert.com]
Dear Evan,
I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship. I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won't hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all. My friends all have boyfriends, and I'm really looking to settle down. Can you help me? By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me. I realize that if they don't stick around because I won't have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that's all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.
Why can't I meet a guy who sees me as more?
Ashley
Dear Ashley,
Today, I'm going to take a controversial stance. I'm going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.
Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?
Well, if you're a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what's wrong.
You're an object to men.
You never know why someone likes you.
You can be intimidating without trying.
You can come across as aloof even if you're just shy.
You're instantly hated by a lot of other women.
You're assumed to be dumb by many men.
You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.
You're given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.
You're catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you're constantly put on a pedestal, it's hard to be in sync with "normal" people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim "diva" status. You're just known as a bitch.
That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn't necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you're never, ever considered "normal".
As a result, you become a lifelong target--a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I'm as sensitive a guy as you're going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.
Put it this way--when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with...I don't know...who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I'd do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn't want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.
To me, that's the perfect metaphor--very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or
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