MissIdgie

If you really think about it (and I mean really think about it), no parent in their right mind would allow their child anywhere near Santa Claus.

Santa Claus loves children. Santa loves children so much that he stalks them all year. Sometimes Santa is the mailman peeping through the windows of Little Beverly's room or the gardener watching the children play slip-n-slide. Or he stands on the street corner across from the bus stop and watches the little darlings trickle on or off the bus. Sometimes he is the crossing guard, placing his hand on Little Billy's shoulder to see him safely across the road. Sometimes he works as the school janitor so that he may listen to the sound of childrens' laughter all day. The sound of a child's laugh is like a symphony to Santa's ears. He watches the children from the classroom door while he pushes a broom over the same spot for an hour, watching to see who is naughty and who is nice. Santa loves all children but he especially loves nice children.

Santa waits in his car by the school as it releasing for the day. He offers candies to the good little boys and girls that walk by. The children gladly accept the treats with smiling faces. Santa loves smiles. The children eat the goodies and they are like none they have ever had before. The chocolate is better than any Swiss chocolate. It was as if God himself had plucked chocolate morsels from his ass and sent them to Earth, they are so good. As bad little boys and girls walk by, Santa does not exclude them. He offers candies and the children gladly accept the treats with smiling faces. Santa loves smiles. The children eat the goodies and they are even tastier than good people treats. The chocolate is creamier, sweeter but not overpowering. It is pure ecstasy. Santa also loves a good joke. About an hour after ingesting the sweets, the bad little boys and girls experience headaches and confusion, convulsions, vomiting, and diarrhea.

Santa loves children so much that he will offer is own lap as a seat if there is no other seating available. Even if there is seating available. Santa is very polite. He loves to have a good conversation with a good kid all cozy-ed up in his lap. He listens with great intent to the wishes of every child that sits on his lap. He always asks, Have you been naughty or nice? Santa has seen these children before at the bus stop, the crosswalk, the hallway. He has seen them interact with one another. Santa knows when you are lying. Then Santa hugs the child and poses for a photo which he will add to this scrapbook later along with identifying information about the child.

Late at night Santa sneaks into the homes of all the good children and watches them sleep while he drinks milk and eats cookies. After his snack he leaves behind delicious treats and wonderful gifts. Then Santa sneaks into the homes of all the bad children and chloroforms them as they sleep. He binds their wrists and ankles and throws them in the back of his hoopty. When the children regain consciousness, he forces them to eat chocolate cake until their stomachs explode and they cry icing.

Tonight I found out my parents were coming to the show when Noodle ran into the dressing room and wierded out a few of the little girls. "Oh no..." I thought as I did the Auntie thing and hugged Noodle. The dressing room door opened and my mothers voice quickly filled the space, "Naomi! Come on!" I watch my niece scamper away as a slight feeling of dread washes over me.

When I was a child, my parents would come to my silly class performance bullshit things. It sounds sweet...until your parents get you into trouble for laughing when you're supposed to sit quietly, poised for the big performance. It really was very funny seeing my mother and father figure putting bunny ears on Mrs. Simmons but really!

So to this day I remember their antics. Fucking hams.

The pressure was on tonight. Our show strongly encourages audience participation. This means it was open season for my folks to try their best comebacks. Listening backstage I get ready for them. Gotta one up 'em. Gotta get a laugh out of them. And I totally did. Ha! Take that!

Seriously I love having them in the audience. They are wonderful examples of good audience members. They hooray if someone's gettin' booed, if a patron talks on a cell phone they shush, and if someone looks tacky you can always count on Mom to stage whisper it to Father Figure. But her voice really carries so everyone hears and that is always hilarious.

A friend sent this to me this morning. It pains me a little to say this is really fuckin' adorable.

So I hit stumble and here's what comes up.

So many things to be said... But 'very interesting' will just have to do for now.

Pee Wee has always been a big deal in my family. i had to post this.

Morning shows this week for the kiddos. The run of the show is going very well. I am excited to see the end, though. My face is beginning to feel the burn from stage makeup.

Oh wow.