It happens all too often. You meet someone and you think you have each been touched by the same star. Then what started as love turns into an annoyance, lack of patience, sometimes anger and sometimes hate. Or you might just have a feeling of being controlled or find yourself experiencing moments of profound emptiness.
Breaking up is hard to do. And yet, it goes on and on. Some 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce.
When marriages end it takes a toll on men, women, and children. Several years ago the Canadian Health Population Study reported on 20,000 people and found that depression rates doubled for those whose marriages or committed relationships came to an end. And men were six times more likely to be depressed than women.
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Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Love can be a minefield.
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Even with young people, ending a relationship can create an overwhelming sadness and extreme stress. The University of Georgia Health Center has a page devoted to Ending a Relationship
A survey of British lawyers last year determined that âoegrowing apartâ was the number one reason for divorce even ahead of money issues and infidelity. There is no good way to say, âoeItâs over.â But here are some thoughts on how to proceed.
Before saying anything at all, write out the pros and cons of the relationship.
Write out the 5 qualities about the other person that helped you to fall in love.
Write out at least 2 things that brought the two of you joy.
In a completely rational way ask yourself, âoeIf he or she were breaking up with me, what are the words that I would want to hear. Start from a positive positionâ"âoeWe have shared happy times together.â
State the realityâ"âoeSomething is not working between us.â
Express your needâ"âoeI need to move on.â
Be willing to listen, calmly, to the other personâs reaction.
Decide in advance not to argue.
Acknowledge how difficult is it to say the words, âoeIt is over.â
Be firm. âoeI am not telling you this so that you will change, or do things differently. I am telling you this because I feel that this is the end of the road for us.â
Decide how to answer the other person when he or she says, âoeCouldnât we give it another try? Can we go to counseling together? "
If you can agree to counseling, go into the sessions with an open mind.
Be honest. State what you feel, but do so kindly thinking about the personâs positive qualities.
If your love asks if there is someone else, decide if you should say, âoeThis is not about another person, but about us. We are not working.â OR if there is another person, be careful how you admit the truth.
Remind yourself that if there is someone else, the longer you keep that fact from your love, the longer it will take for both of you to heal. âoeWhen you know the truth, the truth will set you free.â
Be aware enough of your partner to know if he or she is the type who will benefit from you dragging out the good-bye or performing radical surgeryâ"that is, âoeItâs over.â
Understand the consequences of a prolonged âoeGood-by.â It opens the door for one party doing a guilt trip on the other. It opens the door to manipulation. It opens the door to âoevictimâ mode; that is, âoeHow can you do this to me?â
Understand the hurt and anger the other person is going through.
At all times, remain calm.
Reassure the other person that he or she is someone with whom you have shared a great deal of joy, but now it is time to move on.
Kiss each other good bye and then cry. Even if ending a relationship is what you wish to do, there will be an empty feeling inside. Express gratitude for the good times, wish you partner joy and in time, you will feel the warmth of sunshine.
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Some people are supposed to come into your life and then go. You may not want them to go, but they are supposed to. Both of you have lessons to learn from one another, and then you are supposed to move on. It may hurt, but you will survive. Too many people are hanging on to the wrong relationships with the wrong people and trying to make them work. Not all relationships are supposed to work out, some are meant to end.
The reason they will never work is because they were never meant to. For those of you that believe things are meant to be, you must also then believe that some things are not meant to be as well. To keep holding on to a relationship that was not meant to work shows that not only are you not learning from your mistakes, but you are repeating them.
There are people that are right for you, and people that are wrong for you. In order for a relationship to work you need to have both people on the same page, wanting the same things, and have compatibility as well. The drama, constant chaos and butting heads is not a fight you are destined to overcome just because you want it to work out. There are some battles worth fighting for, but not all battles are worth fighting for. Choose your battles wisely, and know when to surrender and give up.
Instead of wasting month after month, year after year on a relationship that was supposed to end a long time ago, learn to let go. Stop focusing on what could be with that person, but what has been with that person. The future and passage of time does not change things for the better, so stop thinking that it will. We are not all powerful beings that can make everything work out the way we want if we just hang in there. We also have to accept that in life we will not always get everything that we want. This relationship you have tried to hard to save is not necessarily worth saving. They all can窶t be.
Not every date must lead to a relationship.
Not every relationship must lead to commitment.
Not every relationship will grow and reach another level.
Not every relationship will get better.
Not every relationship is meant to last.
There are people in your life that are meant to come and go, if you won窶t let them go, you are doing a disservice to yourself. Let go, learn your lessons, move on, and get closure.