12borekent

SIR Liam Donaldson, England's chief medical officer, was last night talking shit again.



In his first outburst since talking shit about swine flu, Sir Liam said middle class people in Britain are spending up to 70 hours a week devising new methods for getting wine into their children.

He said: "Working class people who drink all day and make no attempt to raise their children are obviously not the problem. It's the middle-classes and their obsession with trying to understand how their children think and feel while slipping some Muscadet into a big jug of Ribena."

Sir Liam said there was evidence middle-class children will grow up to have wine with their meals, plus a few gin and tonics or a couple of bottles of real ale, especially at the weekend.

"If the middle class continue with this obsession, our country will be filled with reasonably well educated, well mannered people who are gently pissed most of the time."

He added: "What evidence? I'm the chief fucking medical officer, that's what evidence."

Helen Archer, a mother-of-two from Grantham, said: "I'd love to answer your questions but I need to get home and add some Chianti to my three year-old's mashed chicken and carrot before In the Night Garden comes on. He absolutely has to watch it pissed."

Martin Bishop, an accountant from Peterborough, said: "In our house we have a strict timetable. Homework, supper and then wine tasting from 8pm until about three in the morning. After that it's two or three brandies and then it's straight off to bed."

He added: "My 12 year-old has had to give up trumpet lessons until he can talk me through the finer points of a Semillon Chardonnay from the Bergerac area of the southern Dordogne. That boy will learn even if I have to take a stick to him."

Bill McKay, an architect from Doncaster, said: "It does sound as if he's talking shit again. Not only that, but he's ignoring the vitally important point that drunk children are much funnier and more interesting.

"Most of the time my 15 year-old is a miserable, self-absorbed little tit. But give him three glasses of Merlot and he'll do an incredibly bad Shakin' Stevens impersonation. It's better than Midsomer Murders."

Sir Liam stated that he would go to great lengths to stop the general public from forcing their children to drink alcohol, even if it meant stopping them from importing booze by closing the channel tunnel and implementing operation stack right on Christmas time.

Of course this will never happen said a spokesperson from eurostar.........................................................

I still love this............

Dear All,

Before we get down to the happy business of singing Christmas Carols this month, the following are some things to consider from an Elfin Safety point of view:-

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Away in a Manger
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed

That's enough ..... Quick .... call the Social Services.

Twenty five years ago today saw the sad loss of Charles Atlas; apparently the mourners took it in turns to kick sand in the grave.

Dear people of the united kingdom:

Due to the current finacial situation caused by the downturn in the economy, your government has seen
fit to implement a scheme to put all workers over the age of fifty on early retirement.
this scheme will be known as Rape (Retire Aged People Early)

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligble for the the SHAFT scheme
(Special Help After Forced Termination)

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(SCHEME COVERING RETIRED EARLY WORKERS) A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED
twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS ( Additional Income for Dependants) or HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severence). Obviously, persons who have AIDS of HERPES
will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training)
as possible. The Government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT,please bring this to the attention of your local MP.
They have been intensively trained to give you as much SHIT as you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown.

Hopefully today I re-emerge with BT as an ISP; get my line repaired and back on line with a sensible bandwidth, and then I can start to play with my state of the art laptop..............watch this space. 12bore.

FINALLY, a definition of globalisation I can understand and to which I can relate :


Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?
Answer : Princess
Diana's death.


Question : How come?


Answer :


An English princess with


An Egyptian boyfriend


Crashes in a French


Tunnel, driving a


German car


With a Dutch engine,


Driven by a Belgian


Who was drunk


On Scottish whisky,


(check the bottle before you change the spelling),


Followed closely by


Italian Paparazzi,


on Japanese motorcycles;


treated by an American doctor, using


Brazilian medicines.




This is sent to you by


An Australian,


using Bill Gates's USA technology,


and you're probably reading this on your computer,


that uses Taiwanese


Chips, and a


Korean monitor,


Assembled by


Bangladeshi workers


in a Singapore plant,


Transported by Indian


truck-drivers,


Hijacked by Indonesians,


Unloaded by Maltese wharfies,


and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders


That, my friends, is Globalisation!

Beautiful animated story from a country that gets a lot of bad press.............Korea.